I'm A Joker, Unfortunately No Longer A Midnight Toker

The placement of things in life feels so wrong, out of date, out of time, out of reason. Why am I giving so much of myself to energy that repels what I am, what I must do, what I must become? Somewhere along the way I've lost it; the destiny of self. You claim to love, feel compassion, yearn for hopes, dreams, desires, passions that are yours, but utterly yours. I feel I don't fit into this jigsaw puzzle of a brainwashing you call your life. I'm simply your muse and your muse alone. Yet I continue onward pretending destiny will follow my attempts of reason. Where and how do I belong? Am I the card in the deck that has no purpose or the card you're too scared to play, to risk, to chance, but has all the meaning in the world? Are you just too scared to admit what a special draw I am or am I meant to be thrown along the sidelines like a joker?

Quantum Physics' Wave of Pure Potentiality

Nothing cuts deeper than disappointment from those who we esteem so highly. We can accept failing ourselves, but if others fail us or we fail others we die a small death. Are we not able to see how selfish this is? It sets imperfect beings up for failure. The only logical expectations to hold in general are that, more than likely, things will go wrong. Better yet we should just imagine things going either way or both ways simultaneously. Fundamentally, we should understand to expect anything. Some individuals are gifted with "seeing" possible future outcomes, but no one KNOWS what the future holds . Existence is a wave of pure potentiality.

Come Wander With Me

Thoughts are a shambles in my head. Memories of comfort are now of insecure design. Ambition and courage have failed me. Nay, I have failed ambition and courage. They've moved on from lost hope of my intentions, no longer finding reason to linger in my energy. To what lifeless dimension have I fallen? Portals of spiritual death surround my aura soaking up all purity and youth like a ravenous sponge. Am I a fool to believe there is lingering hope or a fool to believe the well of such is empty? 

Overrated Controversy Of Religion

     I've always had great respect for The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints. I was born and raised in the Gospel and studied the teachings with vigor because I felt in my soul I was on the true path. I went so far as to ask my friends and relatives not to cuss around me because I found it to be offensive. Alcohol and other drugs were things I abhorred and avoided vehemently. My ultimate dream was to find a faithful return missionary, get married in the temple, and have lots of babies. 

However, things tend to change.

     As I started to develop my individuality I also started to gain a fuller understanding of the world, life, and how things and people tick. Certain principles of the Gospel were no longer clicking with me. I started to wonder why certain drugs were permissible to partake when others were not. If Christ's ultimate lesson is to love then why is homosexuality considered sinful? If monogamy is crucial to marriage then why was polygamy ever permissible? The answers I was provided with did not settle well enough within my soul. I decided to wonder off and discover the answers that would ring true within my heart.

     Marijuana has been a heated controversial topic for years. Many scientists have done study after study to provide answers to the questions of its benefits and, if any, harmful affects. They've discovered hundreds of benefits from marijuana and not only for the human body and mind, but for the economy. Yet, it is still considered a harmful drug according to the United States as well as The Latter Day Saint church. It has been scientifically documented that marijuana cures cancer!!! How can one dispute such facts?! Not only does it cure cancer, but, THC aside, you can construct buildings, bumpers for vehicles, durable clothes, etc. with this magical plant. Science reveals the truth that the state and church fail to.

     According to the Bible, the story of Lot and the visitation of God's angels is the example of homosexuality being a sin. Basically, the story goes that Lot had angels visit him in his home and, somehow, a certain group of men heard of this visitation. These men decided to give Lot and the angels a visit. They banged and banged on the door of Lot's home demanding him to give them the angels. Their intent was to force these angels into laying with them. Most people don't realize this example is moot. No where in this story does it mention that it is a sin for man to lay with man, but that it is a sin for man to lay with angels. Especially by force. Which totally makes sense if angels exist. They're celestial beings.   
   Most people read this story and just assume it's the example of homosexuality being a sin because it's bizarre and different for any such story to be in the Bible. Even if Lot's story was an example of homosexuality being a sin, why, if God is pure love, would he deny love between any two people?

     While Prophet Brigham Young was the leader of the Latter Day Saint church men were allowed to have more than one wife. Yes, this terrible blasphemous word; Polygamy. It was said to be allowed due to the outrageous number of women who lost their husbands during the Civil War. These women no longer had homes and no one to fend for them. They couldn't fend for themselves because feminism wasn't such a popular theme during the time. So, in order to keep them off the streets and under warm roofs, men of the church married a number of women they could afford to take care of. If, by marrying them, they only had to provide for them and not lay with them it would seem the logical and humane thing to do, right? Well, the men, by law of the state and the church, were allowed to and, of course did, lay with two, three, four, and sometimes, in Brigham Young's case, more than sixteen, women. This law was greatly abused. If a woman has no home and the only lawful thing to do is marry her then marry her ONLY to give her shelter and food. There's no need to have sex with her. How is it a sin for two individuals of the same sex to marry, but perfectly fine for one man (mind you, women weren't allowed to have more than one husband) to have multiple wives at any given time in history? It's contradictory. It's sexist and immoral. Period...

     I, in no way, mean to bash The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints. The individuals that faithfully follow the teachings of the Gospel are genuinely some of the sweetest people I have ever met. They have helped my family in times of great need and taught me to be selfless and grateful for the little that I have. There is power in the truths that the Gospel has revealed to me. I have seen and felt some kind of power, whether it be the power of God, Buddha, Allah, the Universe, Quantum Physics' Wave Of Pure Potentiality, etc. There is power beyond what science explains. No one can describe it with words.

   I don't have all the answers. No single person or religion does. I haven't found the answers in only The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, Buddhism, metaphysics, science, Islam, Hinduism, etc., but within all of them combined. There are truths within millions of aspects of this bizarre and precious little thing we label as life. The entire world is searching for truth and we're slowly discovering it.

Truth's Sweet Morbidity

                    Do you ever sit and wonder about the answers? How did it all come to be as it is now? Yes, we have history to explain all the main points in the past that lead up to the present, but what about the paths we didn't take? Did we, in some sister dimension, take a path that lead to a better outcome? Is there a dimension out there next to the one we think we experience where true happiness is a reality? We think we know the answers, but we're all just a bunch of ignorant children. 

Perhaps it is meant to be this way. We're meant to wonder around aimlessly occasionally finding something we think we understand; something we believe has meaning. We have our jobs, lovers, children, and consider it a blessing to be have so much, yet, we wish for freedom. Are we incapable of epiphanies that awaken our senses to Truth's sweet morbidity? 

I've always yearned for the love other people discover through a physical companion, but what I've never realized is exactly how excruciating it is. World's collide and it appears to be a beautiful thing, but   that collision causes chaos. This chaos ruins the essence of what we are; an essence we don't even understand, therefore, we beat it to death without any accountability.

Even after the darkest of the dark secrets hidden within the core of Earth, there is light. This light defies all evil, all morbid darkness. It's the force behind everything: Life, and it is more beautiful than anything the human mind can conceive, save it be for the human spirit. Absolutely nothing, within existence or within the abyss, can wear down the strongest of human spirit. Thus, the reason this existence we call Life will go on, and on, and on, until it reaches the beginning once more. 

The Precious Pearl Within Pain

Pain reminds us that we're still alive. 

It warns us not to push ourselves beyond our limits.

It reminds us that we have love and that that love is utterly crucial to who we are.

It reminds us of our passion and allows us to hold on tight to those things we treasure more than all that exists within our understanding.

Dancing Truths

The celestial wind slides its airy fingers through my hair as I lie in a field of ethereal trees. The birds sing to the sun as it falls beneath the horizon. My skin becomes as gooseflesh while I caress the petals of a daisy. All this merriment and beauty, but my heart still aches. My soul yearns for the universal truth that lingers on the fingertips of our minds, the universal truth that jumps into our mental peripheral and jumps right back into the abyss. We bend and break our minds to the right, to the left, up and down to no avail. It dances before our eyes, but we are blind to its dimension. 

If the answers are within... why are they so seemingly impossible to find?