I'm A Joker, Unfortunately No Longer A Midnight Toker

The placement of things in life feels so wrong, out of date, out of time, out of reason. Why am I giving so much of myself to energy that repels what I am, what I must do, what I must become? Somewhere along the way I've lost it; the destiny of self. You claim to love, feel compassion, yearn for hopes, dreams, desires, passions that are yours, but utterly yours. I feel I don't fit into this jigsaw puzzle of a brainwashing you call your life. I'm simply your muse and your muse alone. Yet I continue onward pretending destiny will follow my attempts of reason. Where and how do I belong? Am I the card in the deck that has no purpose or the card you're too scared to play, to risk, to chance, but has all the meaning in the world? Are you just too scared to admit what a special draw I am or am I meant to be thrown along the sidelines like a joker?